Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
i can't crinkle my nose cause that hurts from the fall ... everythime the pain goes up -- so does the nauseau -- i can't keep treack of it all ... and it hurts SO much
i did this to me :(
Sunday, December 21, 2008
mom! surgeries, hospitals, love & ;life
readings, poetry, mirrors and smoke and falsehood & reality
car accidents, falls, attacks
all kinds, steroids, clash of ego's
working to keep my center
breathe kindness rest
think green meditate
i'm 40!!!! i've decided not to suffer anymore! wanna help?
Thursday, October 23, 2008
I'm going to get implants! I've been on the wait list at the dental school since 2007. The intial consult will be this Monday, yikes! Ultimately, they will do the procedure for way less $$ and I will be providing a service to the student, too! But, it must start this Monday! So, I wonder can I take on the 9mos, at least, procedure and manage to be there for mom, too?
Well, at this point I'm forging ahead and getting the xrays they need, thanks to my fabulous dentists office on a day when they're ordinarily closed. YAY! (shhh) Dr. Higashi and crew -- who've become , some of my extended family, they've been fo good with me and my teeth and soul.
So, I'm forging ahead and praying my angels we'll be at my side to make it all happen, as it should. Moms' surgery has been scheduled for the 18th of November.
if you wanna know more call me ... or keep watching
Sunday, October 19, 2008
'Just what made that little ol' ant
think he could move a rubber tree plant . . . '
High Hopes Song music: Jimmy Van Heusen, lyrics: Sammy Cahn.
A childhood song
inspired watercolor she found in a box
left to accumulate the dust of that passage of time she'd
endured 'sopra visuta' absorbed into her
made a part of her she wondered now, at the bruise
how had she sustained this damage;
not known of its force so obvious to others.
The stress fractured her soul
She'd long since grown tired of her own bellowing
and if her mother died she doubted anyone would come
looking for the girl who cried
Friday, October 17, 2008
the day spent dealing with the skewed horizontal of my body
(feeling as though I'm in a boat caught in a sand bar and so, no longer floating upright, but listing hard to the right -- this is not a new symptom but is a revisitation of one I have when I'm tired or under some outside stress -- LIFE ?!? ~~so, ... bX3 -- it also reminds me of that time in Venice with the boat and the firemen and 'american pie by Don McClean (I think that's how it is spelt), keeping us from being raped, potentially or drowned or forgotten -- we were loud the water police came and we got a midnight tour of Venice by starlight -- sure we were soaked, flithy and cold -- way past curfew , at this pt) it )
... it left me feeling overwhelmed. Such that, the combined factors of pain, the rather routine rigors of a dress rehearsal with live poets (they're harder than dead ones'
All over our bodies
And not just on our skin
We have scars in our voice
That you can hear
if you know how to really listen.
The shift in tone, in pitch,
A tremble, a shake, a sudden slur
Of a phrase.
Caused by some injury,
Perhaps to spirit,
Perhaps to emotion
Perhaps to body.
We have scars in our eyes
They cloud of the clearness
The sparkle, the zest for life
You see inside of people.
What injury dulled your enthusiasm
Love for life? How do we
Re-capture all of your beauty?
We have scars inside and out,
Some you see clearly,
Some are almost invisible,
Some you’ll never see
In others and others will never see in you,
But you know they exist,
Sometimes you know exactly where they are
And sometimes… you aren’t sure
Ad maybe believe they have healed.
Contrary to popular myth
Some scars do fade away… completely.
Leave your scabs alone
Time will heal them…without scar
And if some scarring never goes away?
Well some scars are sexy…
Don’t hide them.
Everyone who knows how to look will see them anyway,
So embrace them…
They are part of you.
Christopher J. Jarmick Writer
Poet, Financial Advisor--isn't everyone?
you make my heart
throb with the resonance
of places disturbed
like ripples in the water
stir me up
touch my soul
wake me up
you you you you
you you you you
by sanding away those
glitches in my surface
you you you you
you you you you
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
so, for the last 6 months, i've received at least poem (sometimes 3) a day ... this is the latest and may explain to some how, I'm holding on thru this thing with my mom ... hope you know I am thinking and feeling and hopeful, too! If you are reading this, chances are I love you, too!!! E
Foolish Man banishes doubt in poem
How do we begin again
When the detritus remains
You can’t start clean, fresh
The past is there
There’s unfinished business
The tears flow
Out of frustration, fear
Believe in love
Believe in magic
I’ll say it enough times
It must be true
It will be true.
I’ll believe, keep to my faith
When all around me
They believe I’ve lost my mind
I’ve lost everything good in my life
I’ve created this beautiful family
And still am able to write and share
And create and do so much
Then I want to be in love again
As if it was not over-rated
As if magic can happen
And will happen to me.
As if my magic will heal others,
One in particular.
As if it will make a difference,
As if I a right to believe
I can make it so.
I must be so so foolish
To stay this course,
Yet I stay this course
I’ve saved myself
She’s decided to leap
To defy former lovers
And leap with me off the cliff
It’s already happened of course
But she actually realizes it has happened
And she’s holding onto my hand
Believing I can do this
She’s holding onto my
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Thank you poets for a wonderful show. You worked hard to help make it a great poetry set and Eileen and I really appreciate how seriously you took it and how wonderfully you followed through and made us so proud. Many of you took the challenge to memorize your poetry and did
so... yaaaaay.... everyone was familiar with what they were reading, they were able to give wonderful performances even if it was not completely memorized.
Thanks D, R, M, T, X, David T.
Every one of you brought the something extra to your performance and the audience noticed. Eileen and I have never heard so many positive comments from audience members, new and old alike about the poetry set.
For me personally it was a big deal. I first learned about the studio through Dobbie, several months later Eileen, Kerry Cox, Brenda Givens and Dobbie got me to a show and then I was invited to be part of it. Eileen told me the story of how the studio began, how Jeff asked her
to do poetry, how the poetry set grew into something bigger. In my personal work as a poet, it's important to me to bring poetry to people so that they might re-discover it, understand how it can heal and communicate. It is under-appreciated art form that is actually very accessible. Eileen explained she would be on hiatus for a few months possibly longer and could I help keep the poetry strong, work with the studio and Dobbie and others. I took it on as a challenge
to help Eileen and Jeff and the studio give poetry to the audience in a way that represents it as both entertainment and art.
At least 2 separate couples and a few others told Eileen and I how they really are not into poetry and do not go to poetry readings and have little appreciation for it, but that they really enjoyed the poetry set at the studio and it really touched them. Not one or two poems.. but the whole set.. the different voices, the different styles, the different subjects. This is such an important thing for Eileen and I to hear...
Taking back poetry is what I call it. A lot of people were forced to memorize poetry they didn't understand in school and later had to sit through boring lectures in College about it. Others have sat through bad poetry readings.
So thank you.. for making it happen the way that it really matters. Thank you for letting me be part of it. Eileen and I promise you that we will make suggestions and come up with ideas for you to look and do your best. We will do our best to place you in the poetry set in such a way that you can shine in the spotlight for a few minutes and show off. We want you to look your best. And last night you did...
so thank you.. and congratulations.
Unfortunately right before the poetry set happened Eileen took a very hard fall. From a standing position she fell and smacked into the small tea table. Many people heard the big crash, tea cups were broken and some of the guests rushed to help Eileen along with Terry. Eileen of course insisted she was okay.. she was in the show must go on mode. She got up and did the poetry set.. and talked to guests after the show not fully realizing how much she paid for the fall. The
fall left her with a huge bruise, back pain and a twisted ankle. She didn't let anyone know how serious it was--not even me, until later. People assumed if she was more hurt she would say something or she might have even stayed down. Eileen isn't like that... Instead of stopping, getting some ice packs or calling any attention to what happened.. she just went and went....
at the day spa, helped me soothe and smooth my feathers -- I mean,
flaps (?) Well, the lavishing of love in the waters of Little red day
spa, loosed everything and added thankfulness to the healing elixir!
No, worries, I heal and roll and bounce and smile!
It was a great show!!! Be pl.leased fellow, poets!!! thnx, Eileen
*** if you made it this far, please say prayers for mom, who's about to undergo surgery in the next few weeks! if you want more info you can call me @ 206 686 3767 xo please forgive my reposting this LRS specific noosie, piece, just thought you'd like an update!
Monday, August 25, 2008
but the voices of friends, who've cheered me before
carry the demons of the past
want to help me avoid the pits this time
and are only being diligent in avoidance of sprains
it's for my best
I hear of the realities
it does not serve to encourage me to the jump
don't they know how heavy I am?
that in order to get off the ground
we need the momentum of speed
and the velocity of a shared trajectory
of a combined path
I may indeed find he's no good in small spaces
but, right now, I'm having fun and glad of the
closeness this insulation provides
in his light i shine
even if, it's only reflecting his brilliance and love
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
so, a few scarves and a hat and a day with her daughter --- the time we're getting is a gift!
she's a good looking bald woman! and I love her so, she kept remarking she feels like a puppy since the shave, it's so soft!
my next reading is at Pike Place in the Park on Sunday with the poetry in the Parks series (4-6pm) these are some established poets and I'm so honored to have been asked to participate, so, I'd love to be a draw and see you there! Say Hi!
which is a blessing I suppose
easlily explained or ameliorated
her mood and handling of me
grumpy to nth degree
she's lost her hair
all at once
not the dreaded scene
of pulling it out
a clump or two at a time
a scene frenzied and
no, this time it had been easing its' way out
a few strands a day, hardly
worth the proactive head shaving
she'd decided would avoid that nasty
she didn't want to suffer it so
patiently to see
if indeed she'd need the hats
and now she does!
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
BANISH DOUBT!Tue, July 22, 2008 - 11:48 PM
seems that's my mantra, for now ... that and getting back to rehabbing more actively. I'm, not interested in the further progression of any sort of core and leg strength and stamina. Fuck! I have Ms! And keeping up the 'rewiring' has to be my job, whether or not i like it or think it's fun. I do miss my yoga, and have found a recumbent bicycle to do my cardio training on, at the Y. So, if you love me, and are willing, ask me about it, will ya? A little peer motivation is always good! do be gentle! i'm fragile, kinda ;) xo E
erotic shorts this weekend! will attend friday, if there are still tickets and work hospitality saturday, if they'll have me?! ;) www.littleredstudioseattle.com
Friday, July 18, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
this keyboard sux! but, wanted to update
trying to get home to perform in GOLD show cross your fingers for me!
Sunday, July 13, 2008
I've been managing to keep my finger in the pot of lrs and do all the work of advocating and keeping her swinging toward life rather than away from it -- she's her 2nd chemo treatment monday, Better living thru modern chemistry ...
now, I'm just SAD, boo -- guessing i just need sleep ~~ buzzing from the white show didn't let me rest til, nigh on 4am -- PROVIGIL, rides in to manage the swing, but leaves me bereft of energy and joy :(
so, maybe I'll go back to bed?
Saturday, July 12, 2008
I think she's lonely, too ... well ... that's part of the chronic nature of this type of scenario -- I relate, while needing to reclaim my own little piece of life, I'm working to be there for her, counseling her about meds, eating, exercise and loving ... being compassionate with herself and resting for the next treatment ...
white show tonight! rehearsal today and then a fabulous garden party of a show ... hope to see you there, too!
I am undone
by his poetry
his arm and his cock
his words unlock me
it's thru its' over
and I'm undone
my heart beats
my breath quickens
his words thrill me cause they're for me
I want him to want me
reach for him
into the depths of me
want him to have of me
all of me
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Mother is on her way home, in Stanwood, having started the discharge procedures this morning somewhere, around 6 this AM. She called after one, did i call it? She was in the car and on her way home without oxygen and sleepy. Her PET scan showed the tumors to be localized around the heart and in her colon, as we might have suspected. Doesn't sound like the lungs are involved at present, so that's good (must have been the draining of fluids-- both medically and naturally ;) -- ask me about this if ur interested) She's an order to start outpatient chemo at 9:30 next monday after which she'll spend the day with me. I'm hoping, resting mostly, and my painting some, too. -- if I get myself reorganized and in a position to slow down. She'd all her orders from the Dr. as I'd requested from equipment cause the hospital pharmacy wasn't willing to bill Medicare, but no matter, the social worker assures me if she's the order, she'll get the equipment. This will make everyones' life easier -- showering is can be one of the most hazardous things humans do these days, particularly i they're infirm -- and I'm not strong enough to do anything for her support wise.
anyway ... i'll think on the poetry --- nobody ever comments here???? if it wasn't for private emails telling me they read it, I'd really begin to worry! kisses, I love you for caring enough to be reading xxxE
My mom is headed Stanwood, from the hospital today. I got myself to her, last night, with some chicken 4 dinner, she'd requested, but was turning ashen by the time we were done. So, home, I've come for more rest. She looked so much better, tho and was off the oxygen. The PET scan shows the tumors are localized and where we thought them to be, in her colon and around the heart, now we just push the chemo, which she'll do outpatient, here in town. So, this AM, I'm trying to advocate for the things she needs b4 discharge by phone! ugghh almost made myself get someone to take me to her, so frustrating by phone! but, i persevered and i think it's happening.
now, just laundry and toes and est ... the white show and a night in paris and rest!
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
she needs to do her nails for the white show, but sleeping is hard to do with your toes in the air ;)
breathe, this too shall pass ... xxx E
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Dr. Goodman at Swedish, whisked her from his office by wheelchair to the hospital, to a room and began draining the fluid off her heart! I left last night, with the idea I'd return this am by 7am to hear what he's got in store for her, hopefully chemo b4 the weeks' out! Amen!
It's the next round and I feel we may prevail with this new team! Here we go, I'll be with there until Friday am when her best friend from IN will stay with her until Sunday am!
thanks for your prayers, keep having happy thoughts and yes, I am smiling, again! Knowing we've done our best, my sis and I!
kisses y'all ... pray for her highest good, we're prepared but, hopeful it will be to stay with us! E
Sunday, June 29, 2008
thank goodneess for acupuncture and good friends, I've more hope tonight that the battle will continue for at least qnother day ...
keep me in your prayers and send strength to mom to not give up!
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
my world has shrunk to moments
hospitals, wants & desires, capablities
I'm at loss
hope a raft through the rapids
shore seems so far off
working to not worry progress
cause the river of time
will flow without help from me
and love is a constant
not to be doubted
its' power unmatched
its' timing unfathomable
Monday, June 23, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Wow, that spasm is growing, the one that pushes through to my being
Into my back and out through my breast my chest, that spot near the souls’ warehousemy arm twitching spasming the back pulling forward, upward and on
reminding me, I've Ms, a finite time to climb, to take the hand thats' offered me
to smile receive and to breathe, seems time is fleeting and yet its' not
cause this here, now is what we've got and this too shall pass, it's just more rest thats' wanted
just realized all these tiny, oddly placed, rather random, assaults on my equanamity
lets' call them spasms, might be do to the meds, I'm currently attempting to employ
to keep me swinging thru the show and still show up for mom, too. and keep rehabbing myself, Sharon danced with me!!! i had so, much fun!!! the white show rox!!! it was so worth my energy and I'm most sure you'll like it!!!
Friday, June 20, 2008
In the tradition of past Sensual Repasts here at the Studio, we are creating a night of pure indulgence of the senses. And to the lucky few who will be present - you're in for a delightful experience!
Our Chef, Kim Black, is a true artist. Many of you have experienced his heavenly desserts over the past several months, but when tasked with a larger, more robust menu, Kim truly shines. The menu for the June 27th repast is delightful! Take a peek at our menu...
Each course will be paired with a carefully selected wine and served by Kim and our amazing Little Red Studio Troupe members as the evening progresses.
You will be entertained in delightful and intimate ways which only a gathering of this size will allow. Perhaps you'll enjoy a tango lesson between courses to help you sweep your loved one off their feet. Maybe a poem to guide your senses from your eyes and tongue to your head and heart. We'll offer that and so much more to indulge and sweeten your evening. We are limiting the attendance for this event to 30 people, so don't hesitate to purchase your tickets now for this wonderful event.
Tickets for this event are $100 per person and need to be purchased in advance. Please call (206) 328-4758 or purchase your tickets online at Brown Paper Tickets.
750 Harrison Street
Seattle, WA 98109
Thursday, June 19, 2008
thanks for holding my chicken little hand! Eileen
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
That said, I've been taking the night shifts with her and sleeping days, and working to advocate for her, as I would for myself and she has for me, in the past. Wow, finally my well honed advocacy skills' come to bear. With the support of friends I've been able to keep my responsibilities to the studio, and managed not only rehearsal, last week, but the Gold Show (if you missed it, well it was a spectacle much like the old days of the studio) and then Saturday night, I filled in for a poet at the Thirsty Mug and manged to get myself on the Radio (Everett KCSR? and it will go onto the web after that, oh boy!)
I feel so, happy in some brilliant ways that are about self and career and so, so conflicted about moral issues, & SAD about the other more immediate struggle. This ought to spawn some amazing poetry, when I've finally the time and energy to write poetry. I did manage to finish a painting which now hangs in her hospital room!
Provigil, Amantadine and xanax are good allies, at this point, and I'm managing the swing, seemingly. I'm getting better at leaning into their calibration, every day.
So, come see the White Show, even if you've seen the others. It's amazing enough for me to think my being there, might matter. Why not come see it, my haircut, and give me a hug!
Sunday, June 8, 2008
The show was amazing fun and the poetry, stitched into the body of the piece was amazing --- I am humbled by the talent we've managed to attract, husband and cheerlead, into performing with us -- if you haven't seen this one, do!
Friday, June 6, 2008
Ecco sta' Blog: So, theres' a BBQ and open mic at the studio, this evening, my favorite place for diversion of the finest caliber! It sounds to be a lovely evening of good food and some fun entertainment! Yes, I am going to do my favorite thing : Read poetry, maybe even sing while shmoozing with friends -- the greatest diversion of all!
I'm told some others from the studio, will also be in attendance. And knowing our audiences are always full of talented folks, I'm excited to see what will be in the offing and who, has what up there sleeve! It's events like this have brought us some of my favorite additions to the troupe! Wondering who we'll see and what! Why not come say hi and bring your favorite shtick?
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Hope you'll decide to come see, it runs thru August. So, of course I'm on to the next one (June 21st) and working to polish my set to a shine you'll not recognize. Hoping to have at least the shorter poems memorized, body willing. Remembering Piano! Piano! Keeping my plates in the air, will be a real challenge.
I went down to the band rehearsal tonight. I'm massaging my instrument again, hoping to rehab it too, along with my body. I want to sing again! Practicing vocally and building my stamina, are like adding another plate. :| Send me some energy!
it's late and I'm a little manic since the show, but tomorrow I can sleep and have no apts! Yay!!! I'm going to bed, nite!
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Saturday, May 31, 2008
The white show is a tremendous amount of fun, it's intelligent, and sexy, irreverent and sweet, they're clever new handlings' of stock LRS fare, some terrific visuals and some thought provoking undercurrents. There's some kinkiness and it's well, fun! the dance numbers are terrific and the band and Heather, and all the live music wow, not to mention the poetry set! ;) The script has been a fun thing to watch developing and to nudge along to this really generative space of erotic savyness, collaboratively. There is SO much talent here, and we're getting really good at birthing art and shows and, well, theatre!
I hope everyone will come, particularly those, I've not seen in awhile, this is a show that will make you proud to be a part of LRS and want to come play again, in whatever capacity. There is a freshness and vitality, that's just perfect for summer and the next chapter! Come! Kommen Sie! Come play with me!
Dai! Ci veddiamo a piu' presto cosi! :) xo Eileen
come feel the love!
Little Red Studio
The White Show
May 31st @ 8:30 PM
"Even educated fleas. . .do it."
Welcome to Donn's Hampton Estate for a weekend party
that will include dancing, singing, lawn sports, tea,
a seance, poetry and more. Ove the course of 2 days
and 2 nights, lives will be forever and miraculously
The wearing of white between Memorial Day and Labor
Day brings up many memories of decades past and
societal mores. Summer beach vacations, sprinkled with
lavish parties and secret rendezvous, entice us to
remember our own days and nights of coming out and to
peel off the layers of winter to see what's peeking at
In bygone eras of our history and of our lives, we
remember that moment when innocence was lost, while so
much more was yet to be discovered.
White or light colored clothing is encouraged.
A no-host wine bar will be supplied by Serafina
Please arrive between 8:30 and 8:45 at our offices and
gallery at 406 Dexter Ave. N. and we will escort you
over to the main space as we prepare to begin the
Where: 750 Harrison Street
How Much: $30
Tickets can be purchased in advance at Brown Paper
Tickets or reserved by calling (206) 328-4758
hope to see you!
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Today, lying on the acupuncture table post a German exchange*, I noticed my legs disposition. It was so, different than in class last night. I felt myself more vindicated in having spent the $. The left leg, post a non walking interruption, usually just falls open, having little or no tone. It was falling open last night and I had little muscle control to do otherwise. Today it was pointing almost up with little to no effort, unlike what it took to simply hold it there for a few seconds, last night. In class, we had done a series of, I'll call them clam shell, muscle exercises that were difficult. (I'd smelled my shampoo come to life scent-wise, which makes me think I was perspiring a little.) Today, I felt I had more muscle tone. It wasn't just flopping! Yay!!
Anyway, today speaking German. Not just translating German, but speaking with Dirk my acupuncturist as I had once upon a time, when I was younger. I was struck by how much more easily the whole language thing was, today, after that Feldenkreis class And by how much more easily and gracefully, naturally, I was moving. It seemed to me somehow significant that a remapping of my body would effect a remapping of the language, would affect the remapping of the body and I started giggling! Suddenly the Ren & Stimpy Happy Happy Joy Joy! song made me giggle out loud and I felt joyous!
tonights' rehearsal for the white show was spectacular! I'm very excited by the whole thing!
***recent rediscovery of my**(*there's a special til 7/5/08, and I'm contemplating the $144 dollar for 20 classes card!)
I sent it to my best gf, she said 'I can't watch videos at work!' and then later ' that was really funny! '
later when my mom called with the news of her cancer prognosis in terms of what's next and she said 'here we go!' I heard it, again! Happy Happpy Joy! Joy! It still made me laugh and we decided on a diet of laughter for us both, from now on!
we agreed that, if it's fun! We're so totally, there! she feels certain they've found it in time and that the water on her lungs is just that fluid and will recede of its' own.
and I noticed my leg held itself upright (foot toward the ceiling) on the acupuncture table, in the way I couldn't last night at the frustrating, rewiring Feldenkreis class and was joyful! That in combination with remembering and speaking my fluent german with my acupuncturist, triggered giggling and sponataneous joyfulness, and then I had a deep felt 5E session and was SO hungry for goood nutritious food. I'd actuallly forgotten how good my second language feels to speak! It's like a whole piece of me has been missing!
So, I am again, overwhelmed by the synchronicities of life and the fact that Amma is coming Friday! just in time for the White show and the reactivation of the sacred goddess celebration, the Little Red Studio, has become in my mind.
I deserve to check out and indulge. Who does it hurt ultimately, if I never get up again? If I get fat and never move again, for loss of control? If you don't move it, you're gonna lose it! I probably can get away with not moving at least a few hours, when I'm thirsty or need to pee. However, what I find is that the less I move the less I am in control of my moving. Thinking about this leads me ultimately to the ultimate desire to determine for all time, for myself what I want at any moment, in the moment. It is this sort of fluidity of motivation, keeps me in charge of me. That sort of communication with another who will manage what you want in their way, to their understanding, sounds at the least well it just sounds horrible ...
I've a new show opening this weekend. It's not really workable to step off the treadmill like George Jetson and be the stuck cog. I keep working to remember, I'm really good at what I do! I need to remember if, I keep spinning my plates and not too fast, I will manage a terrific performance, and that is all I can ask, at any time : my best performance.
So, here's to keeping up! Work hard, but not too, fast and love what you're doing!
come hear some terrific poetry! An evening of live music, presented by sexy musicians the ' Red Delicious! ' See some original scripting and concepts by a local interactive art collaborative headed by Kerry Christenson aided by Gin Kern, Heather Ward Richter, Mae Hochstedler, Eileen Fix, MOST ImpRORtanTLY the troupe of the little red studio and set into the luscious red velvet and gloss of our new home at 750 Harrison, Produced by the heroic Jeff Hengst, this millieniums MIchaelangelo and premiere artist (new works being unveiled)! Bar supplied by Serafina!
I still want a bite of brownie, though!!!
www.littleredstudioseattle.com (the white show)
I want ice cream and feel I deserve it
I went to a class about reconnecting my body
And walked out and fell down
It’s just the fucking foot drop
Tripped me up
No big deal, I get it, the ms has it’s own agenda
Now I want chocolate to soothe my soul
Some definitive proof I’m not fucking up
Or I am, but it’s ok
Makes me want to give up so boring! falling down and getting up again!
30 times doesn't even count the first time i learned to walk
Sunday, May 25, 2008
the one who’s focus are my feet and legs
he says ‘tactile cuing’ is ok
suggests, I seek it out
to help me maneuver the space
as I try walking ‘toe to heel’ up the hall
that simple act of laying a finger
along that yellow wall
as I move forward
keeps me steady
at the party
I ‘maneuvered’ the space
supported by my friends
and the certainty of
strung out like
vines for swinging
from hand to shoulder
waist to arm
eye to smile
felt cued in
I wonder this morning
as I hurry to my yoga class
if pitching forward, down the hill,
I’d roll down to the bay?
no, I’d probably just skin my chin
wonder if the person crossing this path,
down ahead would be offended,
if I asked for her shoulder to cue
would she offer her arm with a smile
or shake me off scowling
wonder if the world
would be better
if we remembered
‘tactile cuing’ is ok?
I liken you to scotch
Morphine on the radio, that deep bass
In the background has me swaying to the rhythm of you
i imagine the feel of you flowing into me
you burn profondo’, like the liqueur itself
The crevices of me filled by you and your solidity and heat
An energy of ascension and gusty inebriation sends me
Higher into the ethers of us
an elixir for any suffering or pain
a balm like spikenard restorative
a healing worthy of kings
oft sought for
rarely indulged in
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
This is another piece to pull me forward. The need to show up. So, Mom had found more of that cword and is moving forward nonetheless, she's asked us not to speak of it too, much. I can respect that, no speaking of it too, much. Seems smart.
So, forward march!
Sunday, May 18, 2008
To write! Having felt the call of the keyboard to my soul. See, If, I can imagine blogging as a form of writing and therefor somehow not only therapeutic for the remapping in my fingers and so, rehabilitating. All the while being supportive to this brilliant thing I'm a part of the Little Red Studio. That seems it all lends support to the theory I'm running with, to keep moving and breathing and practicing.
Write a little each day, move each day walking or yoga or rehab exercises, paint / write / sing each day. Nourish the soul, tend your garden and be with one another. Share lovingness! It staves off at least the loneliness, and lack of reflection, by discerning eyes, and makes joy vibrations!. And this pleases me, the picture I imagine of me writing at the window. Celebrating Stephanie, my pink princess, and playing with Kelly, her jen doll, last night and this morning. So it went, show, party, boys and girls, and spending the night, to get up and go to brunch on this glorious Seattle morning! And now here I sit. Inside, away from the sun. Alone to contemplate the day.
Kept company by that growing numb patch above my eye, it gives me pause. It's broadening borders seem to tickle finger like, vexxing me for the numbness I feel. I am at a loss to express the sense of impending doom, I experience. (boo)
So, it has been 10 years, and I am still walking and self directed. Just this morning, I had a close friend tell me the hi esteem that he holds for me in, for continuing to do so, in spite of my illnesses plethora of awareness opportunities (all that crap I don't care to dwell on, at present)
Last night there was a show, at the studio. It was my first performance in, wow, I guess i'll have to look it up, except I'm not hugely keen on keeping real track of it, but needless to say at least since the surgery. I had fun and trusted, did some older work, did some newer, and did a collaborative cello, bondage aerial piece. It felt good! The images of Sophia swinging through the air and smiling, along with my words and knowing all that went into the writing of the piece, was truly thrilling to be a part of presenting.
This morning I'm wiped out but still moving lending support to the theory it was the anemia had me slowing to a stop in the water, thus sending me to the sugery. Hmmm? I wonder what is on the horizon.
Summertime? I'm trying to sing a lot more these days!
Friday, May 16, 2008
I'm wondering if I ought to have been a little more courageous in taking on the weight of performance that includes my stepping up to being body painted, I mean really how bad could it be? I suppose really beautiful in the least, frightening in its' worst. The small house we're expecting is lovely, considering the weather they've been predicting. We're planning on coming out into the night air with a fire performance.
The line up appears to include some truly beautiful, dancing, an original song styling. And sitting area under the stars with a lot of beautiful women,. A thoughtful, truly erotic, real life line up the likes of a Fellini episode, says Matt Haley (2007). You've a tremendous handle on that erotic element.. Who knows, I've been working out a lot, maybe I can trust myself, to get even more naked than before and show off my new body, sans ovaries and sans 120 lbs of detritus, I'd been lugging around. Hmm.
I think I'm a chicken.
maybe I'm really a rooster?
what do the mayans say ...?
sounds like : cas de se le on ? come viene il sol?