when none watches

the grass still grows
so do your nails
the stories and trails
past memories distant
seeming so, near
like a lens
it distorts time
bends it
colors it
happier


mefr 12/30/08

when none watches

help ...!

i'm SO sick. Sound hurst, light hurts ... smells hurt ... and I've been so sure i could do it alone ... and that hurts most of all --- i can't ...

i can't crinkle my nose cause that hurts from the fall ... everythime the pain goes up -- so does the nauseau -- i can't keep treack of it all ... and it hurts SO much

boo

i did this to me :(

seeking the stillness i discarded so, casually

so much

mom! surgeries, hospitals, love & ;life

readings, poetry, mirrors and smoke and falsehood & reality

car accidents, falls, attacks

all kinds, steroids, clash of ego's

working to keep my center

breathe kindness rest

think green meditate

i'm 40!!!! i've decided not to suffer anymore! wanna help?

finalmente! on waiting list since august of 2007

I'm going to get implants! I've been on the wait list at the dental school since 2007. The intial consult will be this Monday, yikes! Ultimately, they will do the procedure for way less $$ and I will be providing a service to the student, too! But, it must start this Monday! So, I wonder can I take on the 9mos, at least, procedure and manage to be there for mom, too?

Well, at this point I'm forging ahead and getting the xrays they need, thanks to my fabulous dentists office on a day when they're ordinarily closed. YAY! (shhh) Dr. Higashi and crew -- who've become , some of my extended family, they've been fo good with me and my teeth and soul.

So, I'm forging ahead and praying my angels we'll be at my side to make it all happen, as it should. Moms' surgery has been scheduled for the 18th of November.

if you wanna know more call me ... or keep watching

Ants

'Just what made that little ol' ant
think he could move a rubber tree plant . . . '
High Hopes Song music: Jimmy Van Heusen, lyrics: Sammy Cahn.

A childhood song
inspired watercolor she found in a box
left to accumulate the dust of that passage of time she'd
endured 'sopra visuta' absorbed into her
made a part of her she wondered now, at the bruise
how had she sustained this damage;
not known of its force so obvious to others.
The stress fractured her soul
She'd long since grown tired of her own bellowing
and if her mother died she doubted anyone would come
looking for the girl who cried
wolf


mefr 10/19/08

F@(*K!!!

so, after last nights' rehearsal, I was SAD ...
the day spent dealing with the skewed horizontal of my body

(feeling as though I'm in a boat caught in a sand bar and so, no longer floating upright, but listing hard to the right -- this is not a new symptom but is a revisitation of one I have when I'm tired or under some outside stress -- LIFE ?!? ~~so, ... bX3 -- it also reminds me of that time in Venice with the boat and the firemen and 'american pie by Don McClean (I think that's how it is spelt), keeping us from being raped, potentially or drowned or forgotten -- we were loud the water police came and we got a midnight tour of Venice by starlight -- sure we were soaked, flithy and cold -- way past curfew , at this pt) it )

... it left me feeling overwhelmed. Such that, the combined factors of pain, the rather routine rigors of a dress rehearsal with live poets (they're harder than dead ones' ) and the idea I had been inappropriate, intolerant or overly self-involved in combination with flubbing lines and balance issues .. I had a mini melt down in the bathroom -- i am so sorry R & Heather, and don't even know if you will read this, but finding sleep last night was harder than usual. The falls' I've been taking recently, while mostly sustainable damage, throb with their reminders, and make them particularly hard to ignore.

new poetry ~~ more telling than anything?

Scars appear

All over our bodies

And not just on our skin



We have scars in our voice

That you can hear

if you know how to really listen.

The shift in tone, in pitch,

A tremble, a shake, a sudden slur

Of a phrase.

Caused by some injury,

Perhaps to spirit,

Perhaps to emotion

Perhaps to body.



We have scars in our eyes

They cloud of the clearness

The sparkle, the zest for life

You see inside of people.

What injury dulled your enthusiasm

Love for life? How do we

Re-capture all of your beauty?



We have scars inside and out,

Some you see clearly,

Some are almost invisible,

Some you’ll never see

In others and others will never see in you,

But you know they exist,

Sometimes you know exactly where they are

And sometimes… you aren’t sure

Ad maybe believe they have healed.



Contrary to popular myth

Some scars do fade away… completely.

Leave your scabs alone

Time will heal them…without scar



And if some scarring never goes away?

Well some scars are sexy…

Don’t hide them.

Everyone who knows how to look will see them anyway,

So embrace them…

They are part of you.

Love them.

Christopher J. Jarmick Writer
Poet, Financial Advisor--isn't everyone?

************************************************************,



you

you

you make my heart

hurt

throb

throb with the resonance
of places disturbed

like ripples in the water
you

you
stir me up

you
touch my soul

wake me up
you

you you you you
soothe me

you you you you

by sanding away those
glitches in my surface

you you you you

perhaps imagined

i hear
know

you

you you you you

mefr 10/17/08
xoxoxoxo eileen

Oh, lover!!!

so, for the last 6 months, i've received at least poem (sometimes 3) a day ... this is the latest and may explain to some how, I'm holding on thru this thing with my mom ... hope you know I am thinking and feeling and hopeful, too! If you are reading this, chances are I love you, too!!! E

Foolish Man banishes doubt in poem

How do we begin again

When the detritus remains

You can’t start clean, fresh

The past is there

There’s unfinished business

Always

Unfinished business

The tears flow

Out of frustration, fear

Stop…

Believe in love

Believe in magic

Hold on

I’ll say it enough times

It must be true

It will be true.

I’ll believe, keep to my faith

When all around me

They believe I’ve lost my mind

I’ve lost everything good in my life

I’ve created this beautiful family

And still am able to write and share

And create and do so much

Then I want to be in love again

As if it was not over-rated

As if magic can happen

Does happen

And will happen to me.

As if my magic will heal others,

One in particular.

As if it will make a difference,

As if I a right to believe

I can make it so.

I must be so so foolish

To stay this course,

Yet I stay this course

I’ve saved myself

For

Island girl

She’s decided to leap

To defy former lovers

Her mother

And leap with me off the cliff

It’s already happened of course

But she actually realizes it has happened

And she’s holding onto my hand

Believing I can do this

And…

I

Can

Do

This

Because

She’s holding onto my

Hand

And I’m

Foolish enough

To believe

In

The magic

Of us.

hedgebrook residency application receiced!

woo hoo!!

very exciting
more soon

if you're reading this

chances are

i love you!!!


xo Eileen

The show worked!!! reposting from the poetry list ~~ too much going on w/mom 2 think

The show worked!!! Thank you Bruce, Jeff, Kerry, Don and everyone who worked so hard to make it happen. I'm going to talk about the poetry set now. (these are Chris' J.'s notes from Saturdays' SAFFRON show)

Thank you poets for a wonderful show. You worked hard to help make it a great poetry set and Eileen and I really appreciate how seriously you took it and how wonderfully you followed through and made us so proud. Many of you took the challenge to memorize your poetry and did
so... yaaaaay.... everyone was familiar with what they were reading, they were able to give wonderful performances even if it was not completely memorized.

Thanks D, R, M, T, X, David T.

Every one of you brought the something extra to your performance and the audience noticed. Eileen and I have never heard so many positive comments from audience members, new and old alike about the poetry set.

For me personally it was a big deal. I first learned about the studio through Dobbie, several months later Eileen, Kerry Cox, Brenda Givens and Dobbie got me to a show and then I was invited to be part of it. Eileen told me the story of how the studio began, how Jeff asked her
to do poetry, how the poetry set grew into something bigger. In my personal work as a poet, it's important to me to bring poetry to people so that they might re-discover it, understand how it can heal and communicate. It is under-appreciated art form that is actually very accessible. Eileen explained she would be on hiatus for a few months possibly longer and could I help keep the poetry strong, work with the studio and Dobbie and others. I took it on as a challenge
to help Eileen and Jeff and the studio give poetry to the audience in a way that represents it as both entertainment and art.

At least 2 separate couples and a few others told Eileen and I how they really are not into poetry and do not go to poetry readings and have little appreciation for it, but that they really enjoyed the poetry set at the studio and it really touched them. Not one or two poems.. but the whole set.. the different voices, the different styles, the different subjects. This is such an important thing for Eileen and I to hear...

Taking back poetry is what I call it. A lot of people were forced to memorize poetry they didn't understand in school and later had to sit through boring lectures in College about it. Others have sat through bad poetry readings.

So thank you.. for making it happen the way that it really matters. Thank you for letting me be part of it. Eileen and I promise you that we will make suggestions and come up with ideas for you to look and do your best. We will do our best to place you in the poetry set in such a way that you can shine in the spotlight for a few minutes and show off. We want you to look your best. And last night you did...

so thank you.. and congratulations.

Unfortunately right before the poetry set happened Eileen took a very hard fall. From a standing position she fell and smacked into the small tea table. Many people heard the big crash, tea cups were broken and some of the guests rushed to help Eileen along with Terry. Eileen of course insisted she was okay.. she was in the show must go on mode. She got up and did the poetry set.. and talked to guests after the show not fully realizing how much she paid for the fall. The
fall left her with a huge bruise, back pain and a twisted ankle. She didn't let anyone know how serious it was--not even me, until later. People assumed if she was more hurt she would say something or she might have even stayed down. Eileen isn't like that... Instead of stopping, getting some ice packs or calling any attention to what happened.. she just went and went....

Fom Eileen : hey, I'm made of rubber, at least mostly! ;) Sophia and the lady's
at the day spa, helped me soothe and smooth my feathers -- I mean,
flaps (?) Well, the lavishing of love in the waters of Little red day
spa, loosed everything and added thankfulness to the healing elixir!
No, worries, I heal and roll and bounce and smile!
It was a great show!!! Be pl.leased fellow, poets!!! thnx, Eileen

*** if you made it this far, please say prayers for mom, who's about to undergo surgery in the next few weeks! if you want more info you can call me @ 206 686 3767 xo please forgive my reposting this LRS specific noosie, piece, just thought you'd like an update!

Banish Doubt

he says to banish all doubt
I do
but the voices of friends, who've cheered me before
carry the demons of the past
want to help me avoid the pits this time
and are only being diligent in avoidance of sprains
it's for my best
I hear of the realities
it does not serve to encourage me to the jump
don't they know how heavy I am?
that in order to get off the ground
we need the momentum of speed
and the velocity of a shared trajectory
of a combined path
I may indeed find he's no good in small spaces
but, right now, I'm having fun and glad of the
closeness this insulation provides
in his light i shine
even if, it's only reflecting his brilliance and love

mefr 08/250/08

hats continued!

she found a hat she liked on my wall, one I didn't know existed was there! See, last year I had a fit! The hats were taking over my room, so Stephanie and Dominic put hooks on my wall and hung my hats from them. I am given hats occassionally by friends and had begun to drown in them, so, up they went! Providentially she found the perfect one lurking in the folds of another and was so pleased, I gave it to her!

so, a few scarves and a hat and a day with her daughter --- the time we're getting is a gift!

she's a good looking bald woman! and I love her so, she kept remarking she feels like a puppy since the shave, it's so soft!

my next reading is at Pike Place in the Park on Sunday with the poetry in the Parks series (4-6pm) these are some established poets and I'm so honored to have been asked to participate, so, I'd love to be a draw and see you there! Say Hi!

photo: www.atpm.com/.../images/pi...ace_market.jpg

HATS!

Tue, July 29, 2008 - 2:50 PM

so, it happened all at once
which is a blessing I suppose
easlily explained or ameliorated
her mood and handling of me
grumpy to nth degree
she's lost her hair
all at once
not the dreaded scene
of pulling it out
a clump or two at a time
a scene frenzied and
awful

no, this time it had been easing its' way out
a few strands a day, hardly
worth the proactive head shaving
she'd decided would avoid that nasty
other option
she didn't want to suffer it so

she'd waited
patiently to see
if indeed she'd need the hats
and now she does!


mefr 07/29/08

photo: www.dcsavvy.com

Tue, July 29, 2008 - 2:50 PM - permalink - 0 Comments

BANISH DOUBT!

Tue, July 22, 2008 - 11:48 PM

ok, so the eye of the storm seems past. Her third round of chemo today and an eccocardiogram tomorrow, to check the fluid around her heart. She's got some numbness and pain, they worry it will keep her from doing the next 4weeks and the planned 6 week subsequent spate of treatments. Boo, this holds a lot of hope for us, in that it worked before! uggh, well it's a good team and they seem to be working aggressively now, to bring it under control, so we shall : BANISH DOUBT!

seems that's my mantra, for now ... that and getting back to rehabbing more actively. I'm, not interested in the further progression of any sort of core and leg strength and stamina. Fuck! I have Ms! And keeping up the 'rewiring' has to be my job, whether or not i like it or think it's fun. I do miss my yoga, and have found a recumbent bicycle to do my cardio training on, at the Y. So, if you love me, and are willing, ask me about it, will ya? A little peer motivation is always good! do be gentle! i'm fragile, kinda ;) xo E


erotic shorts this weekend! will attend friday, if there are still tickets and work hospitality saturday, if they'll have me?! ;) www.littleredstudioseattle.com

home tomorrow, in time 4 the GOLD show

and a reading, my shower, my keyboard, my bed and my lover ... new poery to write and a show to do ... yay!!! home! http://www.littleredstudioseattle.com/




mom's painting of figure from bob burridge class 2007

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STANWOOD

mom hads 2nd chemo monday ... we're in Stanwood ... going to shavev her head (hair is beginning to fall out) and get her nails done -- she's lost 30 lbs already (cancerouS fluiD)

this keyboard sux! but, wanted to update

trying to get home to perform in GOLD show cross your fingers for me!

www.littleredstudioseATTLE.COM

zoom, zoom -- sadness comes with slowing down

Sun, July 13, 2008 - 11:18 AM

So, I've been running my engines full speed or pointedly resting since her diagnosis 5/21.

I've been managing to keep my finger in the pot of lrs and do all the work of advocating and keeping her swinging toward life rather than away from it -- she's her 2nd chemo treatment monday, Better living thru modern chemistry ...

now, I'm just SAD, boo -- guessing i just need sleep ~~ buzzing from the white show didn't let me rest til, nigh on 4am -- PROVIGIL, rides in to manage the swing, but leaves me bereft of energy and joy :(

so, maybe I'll go back to bed?

she's home! off oxygen!

well, the tempest has past somewhat ... she's battling nausea and getting the house where she needs it (equipment, meals, help, etc.) 2nd chemo on monday

I think she's lonely, too ... well ... that's part of the chronic nature of this type of scenario -- I relate, while needing to reclaim my own little piece of life, I'm working to be there for her, counseling her about meds, eating, exercise and loving ... being compassionate with herself and resting for the next treatment ...

white show tonight! rehearsal today and then a fabulous garden party of a show ... hope to see you there, too!

www.littleredstudioseattle.com

undone

undone

I am undone

by his poetry

his shoulders

his arm and his cock

his words unlock me

unwind me

beguile me

undone

undo me

I'm done

it's thru its' over

and I'm undone

my heart beats

my breath quickens

his words thrill me cause they're for me

I'm undone

I want him to want me

I'm undone

reach for him

into the depths of me

want him to have of me

I'm undone

all of me

done

mefr 07/05/2008

I'm a goof!

I started a post 'new poetry' and lost it, looking for the poetry I'd written in a notebook, on another's poetry, and in my 2nd journal. By the time I got back to the computer -- it had posted a blank page with nothing in it! Go figure. Any way I think I'll think on the poetry a bit and tell you the update. See, I'm thinking of starting to ask my 'further removed family' to this blog, by way of convenient updates on my mother and my own ever changing further progression through illness. And the poetry is often to raw and intimate, for some to even want to see. And well, I'm mostly a poet, but ... Hmmmn guess that means, I may be growing up a bit, if I'm worried for decorum? 'Course Bukowski said that was the death of a poet, artistically.

Mother is on her way home, in Stanwood, having started the discharge procedures this morning somewhere, around 6 this AM. She called after one, did i call it? She was in the car and on her way home without oxygen and sleepy. Her PET scan showed the tumors to be localized around the heart and in her colon, as we might have suspected. Doesn't sound like the lungs are involved at present, so that's good (must have been the draining of fluids-- both medically and naturally ;) -- ask me about this if ur interested) She's an order to start outpatient chemo at 9:30 next monday after which she'll spend the day with me. I'm hoping, resting mostly, and my painting some, too. -- if I get myself reorganized and in a position to slow down. She'd all her orders from the Dr. as I'd requested from equipment cause the hospital pharmacy wasn't willing to bill Medicare, but no matter, the social worker assures me if she's the order, she'll get the equipment. This will make everyones' life easier -- showering is can be one of the most hazardous things humans do these days, particularly i they're infirm -- and I'm not strong enough to do anything for her support wise.

anyway ... i'll think on the poetry --- nobody ever comments here???? if it wasn't for private emails telling me they read it, I'd really begin to worry! kisses, I love you for caring enough to be reading xxxE

new poetry!!!

Pending

Well, my bodies protesting and I'm really sure, I have to listen, so, I'm home. Cold sores, incontinence and stumbling can't really be glossed over, boo...

My mom is headed Stanwood, from the hospital today. I got myself to her, last night, with some chicken 4 dinner, she'd requested, but was turning ashen by the time we were done. So, home, I've come for more rest. She looked so much better, tho and was off the oxygen. The PET scan shows the tumors are localized and where we thought them to be, in her colon and around the heart, now we just push the chemo, which she'll do outpatient, here in town. So, this AM, I'm trying to advocate for the things she needs b4 discharge by phone! ugghh almost made myself get someone to take me to her, so frustrating by phone! but, i persevered and i think it's happening.

now, just laundry and toes and est ... the white show and a night in paris and rest!

www.littleredstudioseattle.com

ooohhhh b e d ...

Tue, July 8, 2008 - 1:14 PM

Eileen is off to bed, body is done, and protesting visiably -- mom is out of the woods, for the moment!

she needs to do her nails for the white show, but sleeping is hard to do with your toes in the air ;)

breathe, this too shall pass ... xxx E



www.littleredstudioseattle.com
www.brownpapetickets.com

Dr. Goodman to the rescue!

The cavalry has come!

Dr. Goodman at Swedish, whisked her from his office by wheelchair to the hospital, to a room and began draining the fluid off her heart! I left last night, with the idea I'd return this am by 7am to hear what he's got in store for her, hopefully chemo b4 the weeks' out! Amen!

It's the next round and I feel we may prevail with this new team! Here we go, I'll be with there until Friday am when her best friend from IN will stay with her until Sunday am!

thanks for your prayers, keep having happy thoughts and yes, I am smiling, again! Knowing we've done our best, my sis and I!

kisses y'all ... pray for her highest good, we're prepared but, hopeful it will be to stay with us! E

the Emperor was off his throne!

this battle to keep her moving thru it all was nearly lost today ...

thank goodneess for acupuncture and good friends, I've more hope tonight that the battle will continue for at least qnother day ...

keep me in your prayers and send strength to mom to not give up!

moments

my world has shrunk to moments

hospitals, wants & desires, capablities

deficiencies

I'm at loss

doubts abound

hope a raft through the rapids

shore seems so far off

working to not worry progress

cause the river of time

will flow without help from me

and love is a constant

not to be doubted

its' power unmatched

its' timing unfathomable

Stanwood to carry the flag!

I'm headed to my mothers' side in Stanwood, we're looking for an oncologist stat ...

been 5 weeks since the diagnosis ... just got her out of the hospital after 10 days -- her breathing is still F@*%&*!

say prayers! Eileen

Wow, that spasm is growing, the one that pushes through to my being

Into my back and out through my breast my chest, that spot near the souls’ warehouse

my arm twitching spasming the back pulling forward, upward and on

reminding me, I've Ms, a finite time to climb, to take the hand thats' offered me

to smile receive and to breathe, seems time is fleeting and yet its' not

cause this here, now is what we've got and this too shall pass, it's just more rest thats' wanted

just realized all these tiny, oddly placed, rather random, assaults on my equanamity

lets' call them spasms, might be do to the meds, I'm currently attempting to employ
to keep me swinging thru the show and still show up for mom, too. and keep rehabbing myself, Sharon danced with me!!! i had so, much fun!!! the white show rox!!! it was so worth my energy and I'm most sure you'll like it!!!

www.littleredstudioseattle.com

utube video peek at the White Show

Here is a You Tube video of a peek at the the white show.

Please forward to anyone you think would be interested


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9vzbLPvyKQ

Sensual Repast

Sensual Repast

Friday, June 27th @ 8PM

In the tradition of past Sensual Repasts here at the Studio, we are creating a night of pure indulgence of the senses. And to the lucky few who will be present - you're in for a delightful experience!

Our Chef, Kim Black, is a true artist. Many of you have experienced his heavenly desserts over the past several months, but when tasked with a larger, more robust menu, Kim truly shines. The menu for the June 27th repast is delightful! Take a peek at our menu...

Each course will be paired with a carefully selected wine and served by Kim and our amazing Little Red Studio Troupe members as the evening progresses.

You will be entertained in delightful and intimate ways which only a gathering of this size will allow. Perhaps you'll enjoy a tango lesson between courses to help you sweep your loved one off their feet. Maybe a poem to guide your senses from your eyes and tongue to your head and heart. We'll offer that and so much more to indulge and sweeten your evening. We are limiting the attendance for this event to 30 people, so don't hesitate to purchase your tickets now for this wonderful event.

Tickets for this event are $100 per person and need to be purchased in advance. Please call (206) 328-4758 or purchase your tickets online at Brown Paper Tickets.

Event Info
(206) 328-4758
750 Harrison Street
Seattle, WA 98109
8:00AM-5:00PM

what a difference a day makes!

well, my sis spent the day doing the kind of things she's more adept at, with mom at the hospital all yesterday! spoke with my mother last night, she was SO much butter, seems her meds had gone wonkie, made her seem out of her head ... well, her partner lobbied for stying with her last night, so I let him with the idea, I'd go in today ... off the suction tube from the wall to her lungs, well! She;s being RELAEASED yay!! Prayers are powerful, if you wanna know just ask me!

thanks for holding my chicken little hand! Eileen


www.littleredstudioseattle.com

Juggling Priorities

So, Mom is officially in battle with the dread C and we're stakin' out the hospital with her, determined to keep her moving! Can't say she's having an easy time of it, but there is some hope and we're clinging to it with her, like a raft thru the rapids'. Say a prayer and think Happy Happy Joy Joy for us, no worrying!

That said, I've been taking the night shifts with her and sleeping days, and working to advocate for her, as I would for myself and she has for me, in the past. Wow, finally my well honed advocacy skills' come to bear. With the support of friends I've been able to keep my responsibilities to the studio, and managed not only rehearsal, last week, but the Gold Show (if you missed it, well it was a spectacle much like the old days of the studio) and then Saturday night, I filled in for a poet at the Thirsty Mug and manged to get myself on the Radio (Everett KCSR? and it will go onto the web after that, oh boy!)

I feel so, happy in some brilliant ways that are about self and career and so, so conflicted about moral issues, & SAD about the other more immediate struggle. This ought to spawn some amazing poetry, when I've finally the time and energy to write poetry. I did manage to finish a painting which now hangs in her hospital room!

Provigil, Amantadine and xanax are good allies, at this point, and I'm managing the swing, seemingly. I'm getting better at leaning into their calibration, every day.

So, come see the White Show, even if you've seen the others. It's amazing enough for me to think my being there, might matter. Why not come see it, my haircut, and give me a hug!


www.littleredstudioseattle.com

the Psychedelic Show and Provigil

So, one of the poets, who'd stepped up to cover anothers' spot in the show, well her mother had a stroke, BOO, seems everyone is dealing with big LIFE stuff, and so, I rallied, took a provigil and the help of another poet, to polish a little 'throw away poem' into something worthy of the studio, so I could fill in -- I had so, much fun and felt I'd come home ... and the Provigil (originally developed for narcoleptics) made it possible, although I really had to be careful cause if the body can't it just can't, oh you're alert and able to rally, but ... well, I still have MS --so, i really leaned into the crutches and didn't do any superwoman stunts, plus I had the watchful eyes of a sincere friend watching, stewarding and paying attention to my reactions to the many energies, which can sideswipe me and counseling me where to spend my finite energies ... I had so, much fun and was surprised to hear it was a 'wonkie' night it all looked so, good!

The show was amazing fun and the poetry, stitched into the body of the piece was amazing --- I am humbled by the talent we've managed to attract, husband and cheerlead, into performing with us -- if you haven't seen this one, do!


www.littleredstudioseattle.com

Diversion

Want some? I do. I often indulge in some form of diversion. Living with a chronic illness, has me gathering diversionary tactics like children scrambling for candy when a Pinada' spills open at a birthday party. Indeed things like watercoloring, yoga and poetry are some of my mainstays. These tactics are a solid part of what keeps my head out of a major depression. Right now, I've more reason than ever, to seek more diversion. In the past I've been distracted by diversion such that I've let some things' slip, but this time, I'm trying to stay clued in to what's going on with my mother while not dropping my balls' for my steady attention to her.

Ecco sta' Blog: So, theres' a BBQ and open mic at the studio, this evening, my favorite place for diversion of the finest caliber! It sounds to be a lovely evening of good food and some fun entertainment! Yes, I am going to do my favorite thing : Read poetry, maybe even sing while shmoozing with friends -- the greatest diversion of all!

I'm told some others from the studio, will also be in attendance. And knowing our audiences are always full of talented folks, I'm excited to see what will be in the offing and who, has what up there sleeve! It's events like this have brought us some of my favorite additions to the troupe! Wondering who we'll see and what! Why not come say hi and bring your favorite shtick?


www.littleredstudioseattle.com

Back in the saddle

for the White Show! It was fun and I felt so supported to be there, propped up so beautifully and meticulously by this amazing troupe of artists, who's compassionate handling of me made it possible for me to do, some theatre. I think it's a good show! I had some fun, got through the whole night and laid down a solid set of poetry, for the first time in 3 months! woo hoo!

Hope you'll decide to come see, it runs thru August. So, of course I'm on to the next one (June 21st) and working to polish my set to a shine you'll not recognize. Hoping to have at least the shorter poems memorized, body willing. Remembering Piano! Piano! Keeping my plates in the air, will be a real challenge.

I went down to the band rehearsal tonight. I'm massaging my instrument again, hoping to rehab it too, along with my body. I want to sing again! Practicing vocally and building my stamina, are like adding another plate. :| Send me some energy!

it's late and I'm a little manic since the show, but tomorrow I can sleep and have no apts! Yay!!! I'm going to bed, nite!

hold that thought

for your entertainment:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjmzDpRXkbI&NR=1

Buzz, Buzz buzzing!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9TQqLq_iBs&NR=1

oh, I can't sleep, I'm too, excited!

So, I'm really excited to be back for such an amazing show! My body is really rallying to the task and I'm feeling better than ever! I know slow down, Eileen!

The white show is a tremendous amount of fun, it's intelligent, and sexy, irreverent and sweet, they're clever new handlings' of stock LRS fare, some terrific visuals and some thought provoking undercurrents. There's some kinkiness and it's well, fun! the dance numbers are terrific and the band and Heather, and all the live music wow, not to mention the poetry set! ;) The script has been a fun thing to watch developing and to nudge along to this really generative space of erotic savyness, collaboratively. There is SO much talent here, and we're getting really good at birthing art and shows and, well, theatre!

I hope everyone will come, particularly those, I've not seen in awhile, this is a show that will make you proud to be a part of LRS and want to come play again, in whatever capacity. There is a freshness and vitality, that's just perfect for summer and the next chapter! Come! Kommen Sie! Come play with me!

Dai! Ci veddiamo a piu' presto cosi! :) xo Eileen

come feel the love!

A Saturday night for the glam gimp!

So, I need sleep in order to pull off my part of this show. But I'm so proud or what the studio is doing, well, I just can't not say anything, so for what it's worth, here's a place holder, a description of the show by another cast member. I hope you'll come and play and watch and say Hi!, too! I cut my hair, just to be more period -- it's hella cute!

Little Red Studio
The White Show
May 31st @ 8:30 PM

"Even educated fleas. . .do it."

Welcome to Donn's Hampton Estate for a weekend party
that will include dancing, singing, lawn sports, tea,
a seance, poetry and more. Ove the course of 2 days
and 2 nights, lives will be forever and miraculously
changed.

The wearing of white between Memorial Day and Labor
Day brings up many memories of decades past and
societal mores. Summer beach vacations, sprinkled with
lavish parties and secret rendezvous, entice us to
remember our own days and nights of coming out and to
peel off the layers of winter to see what's peeking at
us underneath...

In bygone eras of our history and of our lives, we
remember that moment when innocence was lost, while so
much more was yet to be discovered.

White or light colored clothing is encouraged.

A no-host wine bar will be supplied by Serafina
Restaurant.

Please arrive between 8:30 and 8:45 at our offices and
gallery at 406 Dexter Ave. N. and we will escort you
over to the main space as we prepare to begin the
evening.

Where: 750 Harrison Street

How Much: $30

Tickets can be purchased in advance at Brown Paper
Tickets or reserved by calling (206) 328-4758

hope to see you!
www.littleredstudioseattle.com

Miracouslous! Remapping the Brain and Feldenkreis!

SO, I went to my 3rd or was it fourth, class and decided to buy $38 card, before I even had the class. SO sure am I that, I'm on the right track to wellness of a different flavor.

Today, lying on the acupuncture table post a German exchange*, I noticed my legs disposition. It was so, different than in class last night. I felt myself more vindicated in having spent the $. The left leg, post a non walking interruption, usually just falls open, having little or no tone. It was falling open last night and I had little muscle control to do otherwise. Today it was pointing almost up with little to no effort, unlike what it took to simply hold it there for a few seconds, last night. In class, we had done a series of, I'll call them clam shell, muscle exercises that were difficult. (I'd smelled my shampoo come to life scent-wise, which makes me think I was perspiring a little.) Today, I felt I had more muscle tone. It wasn't just flopping! Yay!!

Anyway, today speaking German. Not just translating German, but speaking with Dirk my acupuncturist as I had once upon a time, when I was younger. I was struck by how much more easily the whole language thing was, today, after that Feldenkreis class And by how much more easily and gracefully, naturally, I was moving. It seemed to me somehow significant that a remapping of my body would effect a remapping of the language, would affect the remapping of the body and I started giggling! Suddenly the Ren & Stimpy Happy Happy Joy Joy! song made me giggle out loud and I felt joyous!

tonights' rehearsal for the white show was spectacular! I'm very excited by the whole thing!


www.littleredstudioseattle.com


***recent rediscovery of my**(*there's a special til 7/5/08, and I'm contemplating the $144 dollar for 20 classes card!)

happy happy joy joy

This was my house mates addition to my day! it's really seen me thu the day today!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CNZckG9wJM8&NR=

I sent it to my best gf, she said 'I can't watch videos at work!' and then later ' that was really funny! '

later when my mom called with the news of her cancer prognosis in terms of what's next and she said 'here we go!' I heard it, again! Happy Happpy Joy! Joy! It still made me laugh and we decided on a diet of laughter for us both, from now on!

we agreed that, if it's fun! We're so totally, there! she feels certain they've found it in time and that the water on her lungs is just that fluid and will recede of its' own.

and I noticed my leg held itself upright (foot toward the ceiling) on the acupuncture table, in the way I couldn't last night at the frustrating, rewiring Feldenkreis class and was joyful! That in combination with remembering and speaking my fluent german with my acupuncturist, triggered giggling and sponataneous joyfulness, and then I had a deep felt 5E session and was SO hungry for goood nutritious food. I'd actuallly forgotten how good my second language feels to speak! It's like a whole piece of me has been missing!

So, I am again, overwhelmed by the synchronicities of life and the fact that Amma is coming Friday! just in time for the White show and the reactivation of the sacred goddess celebration, the Little Red Studio, has become in my mind.


www.littleredstudioseattle.com

Brownie sundae

so, why don't i just go out and have that Brownie sundae with extra toppings? My shoulder throbs as I think of the fall I've just suffered and try to convince myself not to care for the calories. This disease sucks!

I deserve to check out and indulge. Who does it hurt ultimately, if I never get up again? If I get fat and never move again, for loss of control? If you don't move it, you're gonna lose it! I probably can get away with not moving at least a few hours, when I'm thirsty or need to pee. However, what I find is that the less I move the less I am in control of my moving. Thinking about this leads me ultimately to the ultimate desire to determine for all time, for myself what I want at any moment, in the moment. It is this sort of fluidity of motivation, keeps me in charge of me. That sort of communication with another who will manage what you want in their way, to their understanding, sounds at the least well it just sounds horrible ...

I've a new show opening this weekend. It's not really workable to step off the treadmill like George Jetson and be the stuck cog. I keep working to remember, I'm really good at what I do! I need to remember if, I keep spinning my plates and not too fast, I will manage a terrific performance, and that is all I can ask, at any time : my best performance.

So, here's to keeping up! Work hard, but not too, fast and love what you're doing!

come hear some terrific poetry! An evening of live music, presented by sexy musicians the ' Red Delicious! ' See some original scripting and concepts by a local interactive art collaborative headed by Kerry Christenson aided by Gin Kern, Heather Ward Richter, Mae Hochstedler, Eileen Fix, MOST ImpRORtanTLY the troupe of the little red studio and set into the luscious red velvet and gloss of our new home at 750 Harrison, Produced by the heroic Jeff Hengst, this millieniums MIchaelangelo and premiere artist (new works being unveiled)! Bar supplied by Serafina!


I still want a bite of brownie, though!!!


www.littleredstudioseattle.com (the white show)

http://ksg.nationalmssociety.org

I want ice cream

I want ice cream and feel I deserve it

I went to a class about reconnecting my body

And walked out and fell down

It’s just the fucking foot drop

Tripped me up

No big deal, I get it, the ms has it’s own agenda

But Fuck!

Now I want chocolate to soothe my soul

Some definitive proof I’m not fucking up

Or I am, but it’s ok

Fuck!

Makes me want to give up so boring! falling down and getting up again!

30 times doesn't even count the first time i learned to walk

boo

Mefr 05/27/08

the white show!

So, that last poem, won't help me at all, for this show. Boo, I so burn to write that brilliant poem. Universal, and uplifting in that most sacred way. Transmuting real life into the lessons into art. Tactile Cuiing is such a one: it always tickles me when i hear people using the term like it's already a given Tactile Cuiing :

“tactile cuing”

my therapist

the one who’s focus are my feet and legs

my ambulation

he says ‘tactile cuing’ is ok

suggests, I seek it out

to help me maneuver the space

as I try walking ‘toe to heel’ up the hall

that simple act of laying a finger

along that yellow wall

as I move forward

keeps me steady

graceful

upright

last night

at the party

I ‘maneuvered’ the space

felt free

supported by my friends

and the certainty of

lovingness

strung out like

vines for swinging

from hand to shoulder

waist to arm

eye to smile

felt cued in

I wonder this morning

as I hurry to my yoga class

if pitching forward, down the hill,

I’d roll down to the bay?

no, I’d probably just skin my chin

wonder if the person crossing this path,

down ahead would be offended,

if I asked for her shoulder to cue

would she offer her arm with a smile

or shake me off scowling

wonder if the world

would be better

if we remembered

‘tactile cuing’ is ok?

isn’t it?

mefr 11/15/04

www.littleredstudioseattle.com

I just can't help myself, mh, again!

I liken you to scotch

Morphine on the radio, that deep bass

In the background has me swaying to the rhythm of you

i imagine the feel of you flowing into me

you burn profondo’, like the liqueur itself

The crevices of me filled by you and your solidity and heat

An energy of ascension and gusty inebriation sends me

Higher into the ethers of us

an elixir for any suffering or pain

a balm like spikenard restorative

a healing worthy of kings

oft sought for

rarely indulged in

always intoxicating

subtly supportive

divinely inspired

distraction nevertheless

mefr 05/25/08

the white show

so, first rehearsal for the croquet set of the show is tonight. I've said I'd do it, so I will. I've also said I'd work on the poetry set and on summertime, too. Oh, boy, I love that song, been listening to it since before I was born, touts my momma.

This is another piece to pull me forward. The need to show up. So, Mom had found more of that cword and is moving forward nonetheless, she's asked us not to speak of it too, much. I can respect that, no speaking of it too, much. Seems smart.

So, forward march!

So, here I sit the morning after, in my gourded black knit dress. My hair, piled upon my head, in a tight bun. My thighs are exposed for the heat of the day gathering outside the blinds. The skirt's gathered up around my my legs & waist. I've the perfect dress on for the night & morning I've just lived through! Having discovered this star fish net-y thing in my backpack, on the way to brunch, it was the right weight and frame to my lines for breakfast. I love the look and am thrilled at the reflection which passes me in the hall as I make my way to the kitchen, tactile cuiing all the way, reminding myself this is what I've been doing. Polishing. I'm comfortable in my skin, & I'm headed there to write.

To write! Having felt the call of the keyboard to my soul. See, If, I can imagine blogging as a form of writing and therefor somehow not only therapeutic for the remapping in my fingers and so, rehabilitating. All the while being supportive to this brilliant thing I'm a part of the Little Red Studio. That seems it all lends support to the theory I'm running with, to keep moving and breathing and practicing.

Write a little each day, move each day walking or yoga or rehab exercises, paint / write / sing each day. Nourish the soul, tend your garden and be with one another. Share lovingness! It staves off at least the loneliness, and lack of reflection, by discerning eyes, and makes joy vibrations!. And this pleases me, the picture I imagine of me writing at the window. Celebrating Stephanie, my pink princess, and playing with Kelly, her jen doll, last night and this morning. So it went, show, party, boys and girls, and spending the night, to get up and go to brunch on this glorious Seattle morning! And now here I sit. Inside, away from the sun. Alone to contemplate the day.

Kept company by that growing numb patch above my eye, it gives me pause. It's broadening borders seem to tickle finger like, vexxing me for the numbness I feel. I am at a loss to express the sense of impending doom, I experience. (boo)

So, it has been 10 years, and I am still walking and self directed. Just this morning, I had a close friend tell me the hi esteem that he holds for me in, for continuing to do so, in spite of my illnesses plethora of awareness opportunities (all that crap I don't care to dwell on, at present)

Last night there was a show, at the studio. It was my first performance in, wow, I guess i'll have to look it up, except I'm not hugely keen on keeping real track of it, but needless to say at least since the surgery. I had fun and trusted, did some older work, did some newer, and did a collaborative cello, bondage aerial piece. It felt good! The images of Sophia swinging through the air and smiling, along with my words and knowing all that went into the writing of the piece, was truly thrilling to be a part of presenting.


This morning I'm wiped out but still moving lending support to the theory it was the anemia had me slowing to a stop in the water, thus sending me to the sugery. Hmmm? I wonder what is on the horizon.

Summertime? I'm trying to sing a lot more these days!

www.littleredstudioseattle.com

body painting ... nakedness of the soul

body painting ... nakedness of the soul
I'm wondering if I ought to have been a little more courageous in taking on the weight of performance that includes my stepping up to being body painted, I mean really how bad could it be? I suppose really beautiful in the least, frightening in its' worst. The small house we're expecting is lovely, considering the weather they've been predicting. We're planning on coming out into the night air with a fire performance.

The line up appears to include some truly beautiful, dancing, an original song styling. And sitting area under the stars with a lot of beautiful women,. A thoughtful, truly erotic, real life line up the likes of a Fellini episode, says Matt Haley (2007). You've a tremendous handle on that erotic element.. Who knows, I've been working out a lot, maybe I can trust myself, to get even more naked than before and show off my new body, sans ovaries and sans 120 lbs of detritus, I'd been lugging around. Hmm.

I think I'm a chicken.

maybe I'm really a rooster?

what do the mayans say ...?

sounds like : cas de se le on ? come viene il sol?
E


www.littleredstudioseattle.com